Meditation on Metaxa

Dear Metaxa,

Gin, it is said, is flavoured with juniper berries. I have walked amongst juniper from time to time, and though I might be skeptical of the enjoyment of drinking something flavoured with shrubbery, like many liquors and spirits, gin excels. In fact, drinking alcohol that has been distilled from either rotting vegetation or grains seems to be par for the course. I guess that’s why, upon drinking your product this weekend, I was shocked that a distillery would think it a good idea, wise even, to create a beverage that is quite obviously distilled from a petroleum based product (I’m thinking diesel here), which is then apparently, "carefully blended" with the fruitful essence of arsenic. I must say, some people find astringents stimulating, invigorating even. I for one dislike the sensation of a spiny sea urchin clawing its way down my throat, but that’s just personal preference. Perhaps the idea of having your sinuses burned-out while your tonsils are simultaneously dissolved is one of Metaxa’s "unique characteristics." But unless Metaxa is popular with rendition teams as a technique to extract information from suspected terrorists in the way you claim Metaxa extracts its essence from herbs and rose leaves, I find your justification for these characteristics, like your product, hard to swallow. And it’s not as if I haven’t had regrettable alcohol related experiences before; to this day, terms like, “Jager Bomb,” and “Prairie Fire” strike fear deep in my soul, and yet, I don’t think anyone has ever made any claims that either of the aforementioned beverages offer anything close to an epicurean experience, rather, they are well regarded drinks with only a couple possible intentions in mind: to get one rip-snorting-drunk and/or beverages that give some satisfaction to their purchaser when ordered for an ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend. But the sheer loathing, the hatred that comes from purchasing an entire bottle of your “Zeus urine” results in nothing but a violent opinion of your product and the country it comes from. It’s common knowledge that Greece and its population are responsible for many of the cultural aspects that we have come to call civilization. The Greeks’ creation and production of mathematics, culture, and philosophy is well regarded, which is why I am surprised that a country of such cultural fortitude could create something to drink which could alternately be used to fuel old farm machinery—and perhaps in this day and age of oil awareness, Metaxa could be justified as an alternate fuel/energy source. Ironically, it’s not enough for you to kill-off the people of this earth with one Metaxa product; you actually offer a selection of aged poisons! As a neophyte (and never again) consumer of your product, may I suggest that all production be dedicated to the "Private Reserve.” I will sleep better at night knowing that your product, which then must be aged at least 20-years, will keep Metaxa out of the hands of the curious and drunk for a longer period of time than your 3, 5, and 7-year old products. But this isn’t simply a letter to deride your precious Greek brandy (although I appreciate your corporate frustration at Metaxa being, "misled as a brandy but in actual fact is something more..."—“something more” is so ambiguous, I’m forced to wonder if the Greeks, are now trying to usurp the Medici’s with the popularization of poisoning friends and house guests), it is in fact a letter seeking advice, and subsequent help if needed. You claim that each bottle of Metaxa possesses "2000 Hours of Sunshine." Given the correlation between sun exposure and malignant skin cancer, I'm forced to ask: having consumed at least 1000 hours worth of sun exposure last weekend, am I going to die?


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Dear Valued Metaxa Consumer,

We at Metaxa/Exxon are deeply concerned over your physical manifestations of what can only be described as the sheer pleasure of experience. Many consumers have found unique results from participating in the Metaxa lifestyle. Let us share a few suggestions for your imbibing pleasure...

1. Sunscreen. While 1000 hours of sunshine is not the complete Metaxa package, it is recommended that 20 minutes prior to, during, and for 2 days after partaking in a Metaxa liquid ride, that the user liberally apply 40 SPF sunscreen not only to their exposed skin, but also to the inside of any drinking vessel they may use.

2. Crucibles. Many satisfied Metaxa consumers have found that while drinking our product "straight up" is a "hair on your chest" kind of activity, the true value of Metaxa can only be found when reduced in a crucible, allowing for a rareification of the beverage... this may be the something more you are after Mr. Milder. When concentrated in the crucible, it has been found that not only is Metaxa a phenomenal waffle syrup, tractor fuel, and disinfectant, it can also be used to conjure Greek gods and their minions. You've never seen a Minotaur like this before.

3.Ipecac. If you can't stomach Metaxa, get it out of there.

We hope these suggestions will imbue your next Metaxa experience with an extra couple hours of sunshine, and remember, the bottle it comes in has not disintegrated, so you should be fine... right?